Reading Kafka - A mild midnight struggle

Ever been in love with a book cover? The bright leafy green cover of this book in an almost inexplicable way attracts me to it every night after I finish my day's chores around midnight. Reading Kafka is a daunting task (I tried the Trial in law school and failed quite miserably at all attempts to finish it.) and it was certainly not easy understanding the first story from this lovely looking book consisting some of his most famous short stories, but this time around, I enjoyed reading - re-reading and again re-reading it till I finally got what it wanted me to get.. Or so I think..

Here is the essence that I think "The conversation with the Supplicant" carries within it:

Because all experience is understood only through the language of metaphor, it is perhaps impossible to strip away metaphor to reveal the truth of the matter. Then it would also be fair to conclude that it is impossible to experience life without interpreting your experience. 

My Hand

Attended a story telling workshop after work today. I completely clammed up and was dumbfounded despite working on 3 impromptu write ups in less than 5 minutes each. A young boy and a 60 year old woman who also attended the class were so articulate and strong in their expression that I wanted to hide under my table when it was my turn to speak.

We were assigned a quick unplanned write up on our "Hand". We were then asked to observe it for a couple of seconds and from there on develop a story- whatever or where ever, the mind takes us.. free flowing but in less than 10 minutes.

Here is my story:

A diamond ring shines beautifully on the ring finger of my chubby left hand. My nails, as always undone, cut neatly, but sans manicure. Manicure is not my thing as I don't enjoy people pulling on my hands and pushing the skin of my nails beyond their normal horizons. The skin of my hands soft, cushion like and brown from the outside, and, on the inside, deeply cut with the fate line, life line and the head line holding the strongest positions, almost teasing each other with their strength.

My hand reminds me of my father. My father, as others would tell me, was good at interpreting lines and fortune telling. He almost always avoided reading my hand. The excuse was either, "you shouldn't read a hand on a Sunday" or "You shouldn't read a hand after the sunset". Only once he looked at it reluctantly and declared confidently that the "all is excellent", patted my hand with his right hand and gave me a convincing warm look.  I felt reassured.

I was only 16, when an accident changed my life forever. Just as much as my father was interested in palmistry, my mother had a strong urge to refer horoscopes for astrological readings. Just before hitting 16 and life taking this big U turn, a sooth sayer predicted, in the same tone as that of my father, "Beginning of a Golden Period" for me. I barely with difficulty, made it to age 17.

During the next course of long and painful years, another one predicted "Life no more" !!

Here I am 17 years later, sitting under a tree, watching my parents sitting far away on a bench, writing a write up about my hand. Oh yes, my hand.. well let's say : " My hand is happiest when not in the hands of others". 

Pallavi  © Pallavi Sharma and http://findingpal.blogspot.com

Give me a feedback. Even if anonymous. I would like to know how I can improve.

Being Kind

I once knew a man, who I hope, was otherwise nice.
He chose to humiliate me, time & again and I think pride was his biggest vice.

Leaving his empire, family, friends and money, I am told, he just died.
Reproach dies with death and so when I heard the news, my heart still cried.

Too busy we are, playing each other, knowing not what tomorrow may find
I am saddened, for I wonder, would he have lived differently, if End was on his mind;

The humbling message truly is, despite the load each of us lug in our lives;
It's good to remember the importance of genuinely being Kind.

Search

What I am looking for
does not exist, I think.
time is running fast
and "Genuineness" remains just an idea I read about.

A Diamond Said Hello

Just when I gave up on hearts filled with black coal;
A shinning diamond peeped out and said Hello.

Kaale koyle se bhare dilon se jee  uktaya thaa aaj fir,
ek heere ne awaaz dee aur kaha main bhee' hoon!

(The Hindi/Urdu version is not a literal translation. The flow of the two languages is distinct).

Spring

Sweet spring is in the air. 
Sun like a vintage yellow bulb is shining through the rain; and rain drops are falling through the half sleepy sun.
You and I lie on the grass counting the 'new born baby leaves' (pallavs) and staring at the shy sky on which the trees seem to be neatly embroidered.

In the process of discovering the writings of  Adi Shankracharya (Philosopher 788 AD). What better time to discover this, than during the holy 9 days of the Shakti.

Verse 1 states:  God is only able to create the world, when he is one with his Energy/Shakti  (referred to as a Feminine Power).  Without her, he cannot even move an inch.  So how can anyone without good deeds or someone who never sang Her praise, be adequate enough to worship the 'One', that is worshiped by the holy trinity.

Un-Quenched Thirst

To have it All, and have Nothing;

To have your pitcher Full, and yet be Empty;

To feel the very Best, and still Cringe under your skin;

To experience Divine Love, and yet search for your Soul.

Human- Forever unsatisfied 

Are goals defined by financial status?

We are 7.5 billion human beings on this earth. Do we all have a goal? A worthwhile goal? Can we all afford to have goals? Is worthwhile subjective? The premises of this post is based on my own theory that goals of human beings in this life are directly connected to their financial circumstances. 

I was eating dinner at my regular local food joint when I heard a woman on the next table ranting about how many countries she has moved, how her aim always was to move out of her home country, and how while she had all the comforts in England (not her home country) she hated it there. I didn't quite catch it, if America was her dream destination or not. The sole reason she grabbed my attention was the lack of satisfaction in her voice. I wondered - What her goal in life is? 

What is everyone's goal on this earth? While there can be generalization of human goals, I think it may depend on their position in society or their financial well being. 

My good guess is that a poor man's goal is to make ends meet. He rarely sets long term goals for himself. His life is all about achieving his daily goals - to sleep with a roof over his head and to feed his family before they hit the bed each night. This guy can not afford other other goals such as career, spiritual, Me-time, Physical or creative goals. 

A middle class man has similar goals as the poor man, but may be with a slighter broad bandwidth - He has the liberty to dream. To dream a little for his children, to plan what they should become and what they should achieve. Backed by this end goal, his goal is to just better his circumstances with each passing year, so his family can live a better life. This guy can afford other goals such as spiritual, Me-time, physical and creative goals but is always under time-crunch because his financial burden is overwhelming and remember, he needs to make life better for people in his life. 

A rich man on the other hand has time and bandwidth for all kinds of goals - social, Me-time, physical, athletic etc etc. So much so that he can afford to be vain about his goals. His goals are endless and are coated with a thick coating of greed. Greed to have a better model of car, to have one more house, to have 10 more pair of shoes, a new dress every Friday and of course you can add to this list, other important issues and goals such as - ways to fight wrinkles, hair loss and age. The one who can truly afford to have goals, usually has a very hazy view of the finish line. He loses perspective of what ends he wishes to achieve through his goals and is therefore often lost.

On my way out of the restaurant, I stopped to make small talk with the man behind the cash counter. During this conversation, he gave me a brief introduction. Told me his name is Krishna, he runs his own business in the diamond market in New York, his wife passed away 16 years back, he has kids and he did not re-marry for their sake, and because he has no commitment towards a spouse, he passes his free time by helping his friend at the restaurant. My parting thoughts- What's this poor soul's goal in life?

Those with 'everything' are most unsatisfied. Aiming higher is their only goal. Their finish line horizon is very hazy.Those with  'nothing' live each day at a time. Their finish line and horizons are clearer perhaps?

Dress Size 6, Heart Size Double XL, Please!

Everybody wants to achieve a body size zero or four or six and some people like me strive endlessly towards just a single digit number. It is quite a vain exercise except that it feeds our own ego. As habituated, we try to confirm to the measurements drawn by the society. Some of us try each day, every day. I on the other hand, try periodically and at other times, I just live!!

So as part of this ongoing quest, I ask myself,  if my single digit dress size would impress my maker? If not, then may be I should not waste my time and energy on it. No, don't confuse this as my way of procrastinating my exercise regime or watching the food that enters my mouth. I diet and exercise to become healthy and to keep this body from getting sick but no longer to fit into a single digit dress size tailored by the social norms.

Yesterday while I was attending a meditation session, I did some introspection- What if God is size Double XL? and if he is, then what changes do I need to make in myself, to get in sync with Him? I guess all I would need is a big, actually a very big - Heart, so that He can sit there comfortably. 

Now that's a goal!

For our body size to reduce, I exercise and eat well, but for my heart to increase in size, I need to Give more, need to Give plenty. I need to Love plenty and I need to Embrace others with love, despite our differences and if only I do some more reps and sets of being Generous, I can perhaps achieve a heart large enough for Him to stay comfortably in there. Then, may be that's what I need to pray for. God, give me a Heart size Double XL, please!

Things that matter

My attention is precious and wasting it is almost like committing a crime. When I took to Meditation via Sahaja Yoga, the first thing that occurred was a process of 'self realization', which in other words is a connection with the higher energy surrounding the universe. Once the connection is established, my attention became one, and in sync with this higher energy, the all pervading power of the universe. 
Enlightened attention is a precious and a powerful thing and should not be wasted on mundane matters. It is to be preserved and spent rarely like precious finite gold only on things and people that either give you JOY or if not, then things, matters & issues that are truly worthy of it; And the question of worth is decided by the wise discretion which comes with this enlightened attention.

It upsets me to the extent that I can't stop thinking about it.  This is where I begin wasting my energy and attention on people and things that are not important in life.

Meditation has helped me with this problem a great deal. Here is what it has taught me. 

Once that connection is established, the attention becomes 'enlightened', which by its definition means the one having light of higher power in it. i.e- attention which is one with "Nature" or "You Know Who" [or maybe we don't know who ;)]