Happy Fathers Day

ज़िंदगी में कई बार चलना सिखायाआपने 

कभी ऊँगली पकड़ा दीऔर कभी बैसाखी बनगए 

अब भी गिरती हूँ, फिसलती हूँ, मात खाती रहती हूँ! 

याद करती  हूँ आपको- और घुटने झाड़ लेती हूँ। 

और चलती हूँ, बस आगे देख चलती रहतीहूँ। 

For my father. 

(आपकीपल्लवी) 

Power of Showing Up. (#Mental Health)

Irrespective of how many friends you have, or how well people know you or the number of times you hang out with someone, there are battles that are your own and things within that you don't discuss with-out. This is not a modern day issue, but this is fast becoming a topic people are getting comfortable discussing on social media in today's time.

You may be a popular social butterfly or a jelly-bug, and yet sitting in a space where on the inside you struggle everyday to get out of your house to get to work, or make a trip to the grocery stores or get yourself interested in reading a book or doing an activity despite it being your favorite thing to do in the past. 

The struggle is real for many people and it has been very real for me as well. 

I have found that 'showing up' is a step towards recovery. This act of showing up is not as easy as it sounds. It has it's own pace and process. In my experience, at first, there comes a gentle nudge from someone who loves you and you may choose not to move. Then comes the push from the frustrated people around you and this may still not encourage you enough but god knows that you want to try. You will invariably in this process lose a few close ones that would give up and move on with their lives for they have their own fears of being dragged down with you or ambitions too strong to wait for a slow runner.

While you may think that all this external effort (or lack of it) from others has done no good, it in fact slowly waters your sapped will-power. The wilted plant with this water from others on a sunny day tries to straighten it's backbone again and stand up. Your sun could shine on a different day than mine but it does shine for everyone that secretly hopes for it to shine. 

Then comes the act of Showing Up. You can show up with crutches or on a wheelchair but please my darlings, show up and smile. Show up at your job, show up when a friend calls for a meetup, show up at that group dinner you are invited to- and SMILE. That's half the battle won and this will HEAL some part of you and like everything else in this world, if you repeatedly do something, you become good at it, it becomes your own and then at some point it becomes your reality. 

I am working on making that Smile a part of my reality (again). I hope you will too.

Love for Words!

I always thought I was born to be an actor which I never became :) but with time the more I saw my reflection in the waters of life, the more I figured it was 'words' that were my true love. I think I have always had a passion for acting because I love beautiful words floating on screen. I love acting because in Indian cinema it involves singing (I stand corrected- Mimicking) beautiful lyrics.

I discovered all very slowly that I am in love with the beauty of 'words' and acting only is an exhibition of that beauty, so all along I was mixed up between the two.

"My love" has very slowly revealed itself to me. It is in fact only today that I discovered, I must have taken some of this fascination for words from my father.

My father's one liners are my favorite. Today he said to me "I hope HE puts fruits on your branches for your kind deeds".

This beautiful line was thrown my way to shower me with a bit of love as I am nursing my sick mother just days before my first baby is expected (original intention was the other way round, ofcourse) and circumstantially I have faced rather rough weather during the past 1 year or so.

It's not the superficial beauty of words that impresses me but it's deeper connection and meaning in our lives. Their beauty is so mesmerizing that I want to believe in them. As if their beauty itself vouched for their sincerity.

I have learnt today that my admiration and love for beautiful words runs deep only because I look for 'life' in them.

Reading Kafka - A mild midnight struggle

Ever been in love with a book cover? The bright leafy green cover of this book in an almost inexplicable way attracts me to it every night after I finish my day's chores around midnight. Reading Kafka is a daunting task (I tried the Trial in law school and failed quite miserably at all attempts to finish it.) and it was certainly not easy understanding the first story from this lovely looking book consisting some of his most famous short stories, but this time around, I enjoyed reading - re-reading and again re-reading it till I finally got what it wanted me to get.. Or so I think..

Here is the essence that I think "The conversation with the Supplicant" carries within it:

Because all experience is understood only through the language of metaphor, it is perhaps impossible to strip away metaphor to reveal the truth of the matter. Then it would also be fair to conclude that it is impossible to experience life without interpreting your experience. 

My Hand

Attended a story telling workshop after work today. I completely clammed up and was dumbfounded despite working on 3 impromptu write ups in less than 5 minutes each. A young boy and a 60 year old woman who also attended the class were so articulate and strong in their expression that I wanted to hide under my table when it was my turn to speak.

We were assigned a quick unplanned write up on our "Hand". We were then asked to observe it for a couple of seconds and from there on develop a story- whatever or where ever, the mind takes us.. free flowing but in less than 10 minutes.

Here is my story:

A diamond ring shines beautifully on the ring finger of my chubby left hand. My nails, as always undone, cut neatly, but sans manicure. Manicure is not my thing as I don't enjoy people pulling on my hands and pushing the skin of my nails beyond their normal horizons. The skin of my hands soft, cushion like and brown from the outside, and, on the inside, deeply cut with the fate line, life line and the head line holding the strongest positions, almost teasing each other with their strength.

My hand reminds me of my father. My father, as others would tell me, was good at interpreting lines and fortune telling. He almost always avoided reading my hand. The excuse was either, "you shouldn't read a hand on a Sunday" or "You shouldn't read a hand after the sunset". Only once he looked at it reluctantly and declared confidently that the "all is excellent", patted my hand with his right hand and gave me a convincing warm look.  I felt reassured.

I was only 16, when an accident changed my life forever. Just as much as my father was interested in palmistry, my mother had a strong urge to refer horoscopes for astrological readings. Just before hitting 16 and life taking this big U turn, a sooth sayer predicted, in the same tone as that of my father, "Beginning of a Golden Period" for me. I barely with difficulty, made it to age 17.

During the next course of long and painful years, another one predicted "Life no more" !!

Here I am 17 years later, sitting under a tree, watching my parents sitting far away on a bench, writing a write up about my hand. Oh yes, my hand.. well let's say : " My hand is happiest when not in the hands of others". 

Pallavi  © Pallavi Sharma and http://findingpal.blogspot.com

Give me a feedback. Even if anonymous. I would like to know how I can improve.

Being Kind

I once knew a man, who I hope, was otherwise nice.
He chose to humiliate me, time & again and I think pride was his biggest vice.

Leaving his empire, family, friends and money, I am told, he just died.
Reproach dies with death and so when I heard the news, my heart still cried.

Too busy we are, playing each other, knowing not what tomorrow may find
I am saddened, for I wonder, would he have lived differently, if End was on his mind;

The humbling message truly is, despite the load each of us lug in our lives;
It's good to remember the importance of genuinely being Kind.

Search

What I am looking for
does not exist, I think.
time is running fast
and "Genuineness" remains just an idea I read about.